All marital relationships have their ups and downs. However, when an unsettling period of conflicts and misunderstandings lasts too long, spouses may eventually question their future together. Still, not everybody is ready for radical solutions like divorce. Sometimes, people simply need a respite from quarrels and time to work out a strategy for a happier and more fulfilling marriage. In such situations, a trial separation may be a suitable option.
In this article, we will study the concept of temporarily separate living in detail. Many questions may pop up in mind when it comes to discussing the topic. What is trial separation meaning? Is a separation good for a marriage, and how long should it be? Does separation lead to divorce? What are the main differences in trial separation vs divorce?
You can find answers to most of these questions below. We will also provide some recommendations for spouses considering separation in their marriage. However, remember that each situation is unique, and a piece of advice that will work for one family can be of little use for the other. For instance, if a man says, “My wife wants a trial separation to get ready for future divorce”, he probably understands that no reconciliation is possible after the separation period. On the other hand, if a couple seeks short-term separation and plans to undergo marital therapy, they have higher chances to reunite and continue their happy marriage.
What Are the Benefits of a Trial Separation?
Quite often, spouses perceive a trial separation in marriage as a chance to solve their problems that make joint life complicated and to try to save their relationship before starting an official divorce process. Can separation save marriage? It depends on the circumstances, but separation definitely has some advantages.
- Every spouse can focus on their personal needs.
People who live together for many years may dissolve in marital aspirations without clearly seeing their personal desires. One of the important benefits of a trial separation is that every partner has time and space to reflect on their needs. The process of self-discovery can be disturbing at times, but it is undeniably rewarding. When each spouse fully discerns their own values and priorities, they can approach their marriage more maturely.
- Communication can improve.
Sometimes, distance helps reduce tension and conflicts in relationships. By refraining from regular interaction and spending time apart, spouses remove themselves from habitual situations and environments where clashes happen.
It may be great to meet outside the family home, in places that set the right mood for open, respectful, and empathetic communication. If possible, spouses can attend a family therapist who will suggest relevant methods for reaching an agreement. Just remember to be an active listener and verbalize your needs or dissatisfactions in a non-accusatory way.
- Partners may reignite appreciation.
Being away from a spouse may also help perceive that person in a new way. There is probably something special you like in your partner, but even the most positive traits tend to lose their appeal over time. When people are together for many years, they may stop noticing great things in the other party.
So, choosing a trial separation may help develop a renewed appreciation for the unique qualities and contributions of the significant other. Life without constant proximity to a spouse allows shifting focus from flaws to strengths.
- There is a possibility to cool off.
One of the biggest benefits of separation is a chance to subdue negative emotions that stem from regular conflicts. Thanks to the available space for processing emotions independently, individuals can resolve debatable issues with a calmer mindset. Therefore, they will be ready for constructive communication and problem-solving.
Moreover, the cooling-off period can pave the way for a healing process. For instance, each spouse can start a therapy with a counselor to work through painful emotional traumas to be able to build a more resilient relationship in the future if they both want it.
- Spouse can understand how a life without a partner feels.
When residing in different houses, each partner can have a firsthand understanding of the pros and cons of independent living. They may refrain from customary family routines, hobbies, and social circles to grasp whether a new single life makes them happier or vice versa. In simple words, this is like a demo version of a divorce, but with no legal complexities and consequences.
It is hard to predict what results a trial separation may bring. Some couples become closer because they reevaluate their marriage. It also happens that people decide to proceed with a divorce once the separation is over.
Do You Need to Make a Separation Agreement?
Typically, it is up to a couple to decide whether to complete a written trial separation agreement since it is a voluntary temporary splitting with no legal consequences. However, such an agreement is usually obligatory in a legal separation, a formal court process with multiple legal arrangements.
If you are hesitant of whether signing a temporary separation agreement is worth the time and effort, consider its advantages:
- It outlines the terms and conditions of the trial separation. Thus, both spouses understand their rights, responsibilities, and expectations during this period. The main thing is to elaborate on all important matters – who will live in a family house, how child-rearing will be organized, how long a separation period will last, etc.
- It ensures the protection and fair usage of joint assets. When filling out trial separation papers, partners can address all important finance-related matters, define how joint accounts can be used, who will pay bills, and so on. With clear guidelines on the topic, they can minimize the risk of disputes.
- It simplifies co-parenting during a separation period. Discussing and formalizing decisions concerning parenting is extremely important for spouses with kids. Having detailed rules of visitation, parental responsibilities, etc., is particularly advisable if adults are not on very friendly terms.
- It facilitates communication and collaboration. Working on a separation agreement, spouses need to share ideas, negotiate, and compromise. By doing so, they may establish a foundation for constructive dialogue and foster a sense of mutual respect, which is surely beneficial if spouses desire to reconcile in the future.
Despite all the advantages of a trial separation agreement, some spouses still underestimate its importance. It may happen because they do not believe such arrangement could save the marriage. Others hold back from drafting an agreement because they don’t even know how to ask for a trial separation, being afraid of upsetting or frightening their partners.
In general, any talk about marital problems can cause anxiety. Things can get even more complicated if either spouse is interested in living separately for some time. Still, trial separation implies the possibility of resolving disputes and uniting in the future. It doesn’t mean an official marriage ending, unlike divorce.
How to Make a Trial Separation Work for You
Do trial separations work? Yes, they do, but only if spouses are willing to establish and stick to clear trial separation rules. Though there are no universal regulations that each couple should follow, there are particular core issues to keep in mind for those considering separation. For instance, it is essential to discuss the possibility of sex during separation, whether trial separation in the same house is acceptable, and how to do a trial separation when kids are involved. More aspects to focus on are presented below.
- How long you’ll be separated.
Partners should agree on the length of a separation. There is no perfect answer to “How long should a trial separation last?”, but psychologists recommend it to be 3-6 months long. This duration is sufficient for adults to understand whether they want to be together and come up with strategies to improve their marriage.
- Why you’re doing it.
Both spouses should be on the same page about the motive for permanently living apart. The reasons can be numerous – to calm down and work on individual issues, reevaluate a marriage, undergo family therapy, understand how single life feels, etc. Be honest and open about your intentions. Make sure you both have similar goals.
- How often you’ll meet.
Determine how often you’ll see each other and communicate during the separation. Of course, the frequency of interactions should be defined based on a couple’s unique circumstances. For some people, it is OK to send each other messages several times a week, while others may want to have regular meetings to talk about progress and concerns.
- Practical arrangements.
Practical arrangements may include decisions on who will live in a family estate, how joint money will be spent, who will take care of pets, etc. Anything that seems important and may evoke misunderstanding should be discussed before a trial separation starts. Don’t be afraid to be too meticulous. It is better than missing something vital.
- Arrangements with children.
Trial separation with children may scare some parents, but if they manage to communicate effectively and establish a secure environment for their kids, everything will go smoothly. The most important thing is to prioritize children’s well-being. Make sure to negotiate a visitation plan, division of expenses, and other relevant topics.
Tips for a Trial Separation
Determining how to live in separation and what not to do during separation may seem a real challenge for spouses. There are no common answers to these questions that will suit every couple. However, there is a general trial separation checklist you may follow and customize to understand what to do during separation:
- Set boundaries and expectations.
Establishing straightforward trial separation boundaries with your partner is important if you want a separation to be effective and conflict-free. Define what is acceptable and not while living apart, including communication frequency, socializing with mutual friends, and financial responsibilities.
- Have regular therapy sessions.
Attend therapy sessions individually or as a couple during a separation. A skilled therapist will create a safe space for you to explore your emotions, understand genuine needs, and learn effective communication and coping strategies.
- Talk to your children honestly.
When going through a trial separation with kids, you should talk to them about the upcoming changes and answer their questions using age-appropriate language. Reassure them that they are loved regardless of the changes occurring in a family.
- Don’t date other people while you’re living apart.
It is better to use a trial separation for personal growth and relationship improvement. Trial separation dating can complicate matters and undermine the purpose of a separation. When spouses opt for trial separation after infidelity, it will be difficult to save a marriage because trust is ruined.
- Stay optimistic and connected with your partner.
Keeping hope during separation is a key to success. Approach this period with a positive mindset and be ready to work through challenges together. Stay in touch with your partner, send messages, and make regular phone calls to discuss each other’s perspectives and needs.
